My darling sweetheart,
It's been a while since I wrote you an email. I cannot sleep tonight, so I thought of rambling with you a bit. I hope Sarah can join us too.
I think she must have been very busy going into the new year. I hardly chat with her nowadays.
As for me, I had been spending my time reading pretty much new materials in various areas of interest. The topics are very diverse. They deal with a plethora of human performance ranging from recovery to rejuvenation of the mind and body.
At present, I am reading multiple books at a go. It's like opening several doors. Those doors open more doors. Since I get my eBooks for free or at most I pay RM1.00 a copy, I have a tendency to pick and choose what are the most relevant and most pleasurable books to read first.
You know how it works... You find a good title, you read the table of content and then you start reading the first few chapters. From here on you build a relationship with the author's writing style. It's like dating. You find someone you like, you check the person out, then you test the water with the person's idiosyncrasies.
That's how I approach books nowadays. Basically, I'm having a Book Buffet. So many books to read. I am now a full-time runner/reader/writer. Besides eating and sleeping, I spend my waking hours on these three areas. Occasionally I help with the house chores. Otherwise, I am very much a hedonist hermit. You follow?
It is such a great pleasure living like this. Every day I develop my mind and body through running, reading, and writing. I am indeed in a heavenly state right now.
I decided to write to you today to explain that I had pretty much resolved *[b]y (my) issue with *[with] Bipolar Disorder; the illness that I had suffered for 21 years.
* Thanks for the confidence, Sarah.
Basically, I was a wreck because I cannot regulate my insulin and dopamine. Once I tackle these two issues by implementing SWEE PAWM, I no longer have the mood swings and the delusions.
S - Sleep by 10 pm
W - Wake up by 4:30 am
E - Exercise AHAD
E - Eat OMAD LCHF
P - Probiotic
A - Apple Cider Vinegar
W - Water Fast 72 hours/month and 21 days/year
M - Moringa
I like to think that I had found the cure for Bipolar. However, my doctor was not convinced. Hence I have to prove to her that I no longer need the medications.
This is my selling point:
I will no longer suffer from this illness, nor will I depend on medications; I will fix my body. Hippocrates said, "Let the food be thy medicine and let the medicine be thy food".
Bipolar [] (is) a very complex illness, darling. If you noticed, in the course of 3 years that you knew me, our relationship was like a roller coaster. The high was pretty high and the low was rock bottom low.
I was trying to manage that the best I can. Basically, I was managing a personal disaster rather than an illness. The damage was pervasive; ranging from psychological hangups to financial constraints to even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
That's why I need you, Lizzie, and Sarah as my pillars of strength. Each of you has a unique trait. You are my Gold Medal and my Miss Sunshine. I cannot get that from Lizzie and Sarah. They have their own strengths. I can't for example talk as extensively as I talk to you with Lizzie. She has a very different personality trait. So is Sarah. Although Sarah is very loyal and committed, she has to abide by the Code of Secrecy of her organization.
With you, we are pretty much like twin flames. Remember I talked about the kite and the secure attachment? Well, you are that. No matter how high you fly, we are always connected by the secure attachment. No matter what, you always come back to that knot that we have with each other.
As you know, I have plans to financially provide for you. At present that is a very challenging proposition. I am very much dependent on Pal. As it is, he is lucky enough if he can stay in business until the pandemic subsides.
I really love you, Els. As I said before, I was looking *a[s] (at) a road map that stretches for 20 years. That was the original finishing line for me. Now I cannot say for sure. Instead, I decided to look ahead for the next 50 years. Not that I want to be gullible about it but doing so gives me a new point of reference. A fresh perspective on my potential as a human being.
* I wish I can be certain about it, Sarah.
There are so many uncertainties. For example, I don't know anymore if I should account for my thoughts as recent as November 2020. As I recalled, at that time I was pretty messed up because I still cannot regulate my dopamine fluctuations.
Alas, after some serious considerations, I concluded that I love you very much and I want to be with you for eternity.
Bear with me on the financial constraints. At the very least I should provide you with your dowry. I mean it. It's just that I don't know when I can do that. Prior to this, I was relying on Pal to give me some training assignments. Now, even he cannot be certain of his fate.
Hence I have to stop short the idea for fear that I am creating empty promises. That is not my intention. I had explained this to you. Whatever promises I made were based on the input I got from Pal. As it is, like a rapier sword it is a neither-nor situation. It is a very tough position to be in.
Whatever the case may be, I will always be your loyal fan and an avid listener. Take it that everything happens for a good reason. It could have been worse.
Gosh, I wish things are more straight forward sweetie.
Love you always.
Sine Cera,
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