>>>#20/2/21 What is the root cause of my illness?

Vulnerability and neediness

Non-neediness

Rejection

Guilt and regret

The issue with Sparta 4964

Social Stigma - alone I am normal

I need to be mindful that I am dealing with a MENTAL illness

Need the warrior mindset

Resilience

Be ready to lose Els - Not yet

YHoW the new frontier

Where do I focus my energy? My fight with Bipolar is the pivot

Personal journaling and music *a[nd] (as) a therapy.

* I like to Sarah.  But at this moment I cannot afford it.  At the same time, I am working closely with Yayasan Health on World.  I'll make a point to look for a good therapist while I'm at it. 

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I need to find the root cause of my illness.

I CANNOT GET EXCITED.  When that happens, I experience a dopamine surge.

Forget about listening to Els for a while.  Limerence is the most powerful drug addiction.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sILzL38Xlyg

Limerence is a feeling, love is an action.  

I CANNOT TAKE ANY FORM OF DRUGS.  Els is my drug addiction.

Well, she is not going anywhere.  So the strategy is to NOT listen to her but to write to her when I feel like it.  Like making a deposit into a unit trust.  I just make the deposit without looking at the account statement.

I deduce that the  ROOT CAUSE of my dopamine surge is interacting with TraXX.

Somehow I have this belief (it's a belief mind you) that TraXX is a collaborator in my quest for achieving Sparta 4964 on earth.

In another word, I believe that TraXX is my vehicle to achieve Pollyanna.

It is not true at all.

I think the BEST decision is to not listen to TraXX but to write to Els as a UNIT TRUST DEPOSIT.

That will be the best decision at this moment.

I GOT TO STOP BEING NEEDY.  

>>>I got to stop being dependent on TraXX and Els if I want to cure my illness<<<

The deeper issue really is the lack of love when I was a little boy.  That is the endgame of my self-therapy.  I uncovered that when I quit Nicorette last year.

That is a known fact.

The current issue is how to deal with limerence.

That is the issue I got to solve and I think I found the answer.

The second best option is to listen to Els but not to tweet her.  If I want to, I can write her an email occasionally.

Finally, I can always stop listening to her and stop contacting her; the ULTIMATE NON-NEEDY.

For that, I need to finish reading Models and Limerence. 

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One final note before I proceed with my morning exercise; 

I AM IN CHARGE OF MY NEUROTRANSMITTERS.  I am the master of my body.  Therefore I control dopamine.  Not the other way around.

mm

Magus the Magician

20/2/21