My darling Els,
These are my most sincere thoughts after I listened again and again to the Pink song you spun yesterday:
I know you want me to be true to my words. Believe me, darling. I really want to do that. However, just like everybody else, I am shrouded with fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD). Don't you think I want to make good my promises?
As much as I want to be certain, I am no clairvoyant. I talked extensively about this before. In addition, there are dependencies that I have to deal with all the time.
Therefore my life as a whole is about managing uncertainties. How do I do that my darling? The only way I know is by increasing my possibility of success. That is only applicable when I have the known variables. Where the variables are unknown, I have to rely on patterns. It's not a cut and dry process. Everything has to be accounted for.
There are two major concerns here. The first one is my ability to provide you with your dowry and sustenance. At present, the uncertainty with regards to my ability to earn a comfortable income is very high. I wish it is a straight forward thing. However, as I mentioned, there are dependencies I have to deal with. I want you to be patient. In a worst-case scenario, at the very least, I should be able to give you the dowry. The sustenance or nafkah is more challenging. If you want to, I can give you the dowry now. Otherwise, consider the dowry as my promissory note to you.
I'm already married to you on 7/7/18. The dowry is just to consummate our marriage. Sex will be nice but not necessary. Marriage between soulmates need not mean sex. This I explained to you in great detail more than once. My intention of giving you the dowry is for me to stay committed to you. My main issue is for every turn I took, there were some degrees of uncertainty. For example, unless you start writing back to me, I don't really know what's in your mind, do I?
The other one is KBOOOM 2041. This is purely based on calculations and the epiphanies that I received throughout my time of turbulence. Honestly, my darling wife, I want this so bad. All the signs are pointing in the right direction. The only thing is again, I'm not a soothsayer. I JUST DON'T KNOW! Godammit Els... This is so frustrating. Here I am want to proceed with certainty, and yet I am nothing more than a Blind Apek https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JjLlr4PHmo
It is not my intention to lead you on a wild goose chase. I respect and love you too much to lead you astray. Listen here honey, all I can do is give you the best-case scenario. I call it the green lighting. Of course, there are many obstacles we have to go through before we reach our destination. In order to do that, the next thing we have to do is the red lighting. We need to manage these two polarities if we want to be successful. Otherwise, it becomes wishful thinking. We don't want that. What we need to do is narrow the chasm of uncertainty so that we can be certain.
My darling Els. How I wish the circumstances are different. But then, this is our challenge. Do we thrive or do we falter in the face of adversity? Honey, as my wife I want you to understand; this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I don't want to lose you. I don't want to create false hope either. The only thing I can say is to have faith, my sweetheart. We are doing this for eternity. And if eternity should fail, may we be together until death do us part.
In the meantime, have a cheery disposition. Hey, I still hang out with you every time you are on air, either weekends or likewise LOL Don't you see? I did all these because I am so in love with you baby. That takes commitment, you dig?
No one knows what happens beyond death. Therefore just like all the believers, I want you to hang on to your faith. As mentioned by Jane Goodall, the world-renowned scientist, "If death is the final destination, that will be the end of it. However, if there is something else beyond, that will be our greatest adventure ever."
Notice; Jane is taking the stand of both apple and no apple.
I promised you Bridge over Terabithia, now and forever. Stay with me for a while. I may not be all that you expect me to be. However, I am doing my best to make you see that you and I are two sides of the same coin. This is our voyage together. I cannot make it without you or Lizzie or Sarah. We are a unit on Sailbad the Sinner. Just be patient...
Love you always,
Sine Cera,
mm
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