31/3/21 ^^^The last entry for the quarter

 In conclusion, I still experience delusion when I deal with the crowd.

Therefore to avoid erratic behaviors, I should remain in seclusion,  This is good.  No TraXX, no Els, and no Pal.  I just manage my own parameters.

Nothing else matters than SWEE.  Even meeting BJ and RR are unnecessary.  I really like the life I'm living now.  It is a life of a Hedonist Hermit.  I am here to only please myself.

Every day I work toward a sound body.  From there I achieve a sound mind.

No need to smoke cigarettes and dope.  No need to chase after cunts either.  Just go for healthy living by looking after diet and exercise.

So here I am, 100 Days NoFap and NoEls.  The higher purpose is to achieve Sex Transmutation.  If this can cure my dopamine fluctuation, then I hope I can find the cure for bipolar.

OK Then NoFap NoEls...

mm

31/3/21 ###I need to stay committed

 Looking at my experience in 2021, I must say that I need to stay away from people.  When I get excited, I become a mania.  As long as I[] (I'm) all by myself, I can contain this illness.

Certainly, I need to get away from Els.  Maybe not permanently but I will NoFab NoEls until 10/7/21.

The idea is to develop a habit and eventually a lifestyle.  As long as I can listen to 24/7 Continuous, I will be OK.

I have better self-control than to jabber aimlessly about my own life little problem to her.

Furthermore, I need those valuable moments to achieve my goal to lose 40 kg in 6 months.

As Sadhguru mentioned, we need to mo[r]e (move) from biological to a higher-order purpose.  I need to move from carnal delights to something [] (that) is mental and spiritual.

I have to create my own purpose.  I cannot think of a higher purpose than to be a man fully functioning.

At the end of the journey, my destination is to be able to function as a runner.  I am going in that direction.

If I can run 10 km a week that is such a delight.  If I can run 21 km Hill once a year, that is fabulous.

So many possibilities:

• 2 x 5 km and 10 km every week
• 2 x 10 km road and 10 km Hill every week
• 1 x 10 km Hill and 1 x 21 km Hill every year
• 4 x 21 km Hill every year

All I care about is to be able to run, run, and run.

I am building my stamina REGARDLESS OF the 21 Days Water Fast.

-----------------------------------------

Basically, if I follow Mark Sisson's advice, I will become thin and fast.

My rationale is I have to be a specialist.  My specialty is to become a runner although in general, I am an Athlete Warrior.  What I am aiming to achieve is to be a 60 kg runner.

The key is to AVOID EATING CARBS.

As long as I don't tame the insulin resistance, forever I will have health issues.

mm

  

31/3/21 ^^^I am doing away with ambiguity

 If I want to get well, I have to do away with ambiguity.

I need to deal with absoluteness.

I need to fight the three archenemies - obesity, diabetes, and cancer.

I was not taking this mission seriously enough.  I got caught up.  I should not get caught up.

What do I want?

• Health and happiness
• Thin and fast
• 55 kg and 10/km per hour
• Diet and exercise
• A sound mind in a sound body

If I focus on all these, I will be dealing with absoluteness.

No more ambiguity of the afterlife.

WHILE I AM STILL ABLE, MY GOAL IS TO CROSS THE FINISH LINE WHEN I AM 77.

By then I will run 2 Half Marathons per year on the various years within the 20 years.

I had decided that my Ikigai is to run at least 1 Half Marathon every year beginning this year.

-----------------------------------------------------

I was distracted by hunger.  My success is determined by my ability [to ability] to withstand hunger.

This is a minor setback.  The aching left knee is becoming more glaring.  So I have my challenges.

All can be solved by eating OMAD LCHF.  I need to start eating butter again.

I have to persist on SWEE.  

-------------------------------------------------------

Sarah, as it is there are already enough challenges to achieve a sound body.  I don't want other factors like stress and pressure to affect my aim to achieve a sound mind.

That is why in the process of achieving a sound mind in a sound body, I will push aside ambiguous thoughts.

That is the reason I push Els aside, she is nonreciprocal.  To me, that is being ambiguous.

I can't afford vagueness at this point.  I need to recover.  I had done many things.  The last is to get rid of Els.

--------------------------------------------------------

My strategy is basically:

• Sleep Well
• *Mo[r]e (Move) More
• Eat Right

* If I want to be an Athlete4Life, this is my main focus.

mm

 

31/3/21 ***Back on track with the Vision Quest

 The reality to me is being able to SWEE.  That is my Vision Quest simplified.

True enough when I sleep early, I wake up early.  That is the beginning of a great day ahead.

When we talk about a sound mind, that comes from a sound body.

So my mission is to be physically active on a daily basis.

I got to stick to the knitting day in day out until it becomes a lifestyle.

------------------------------------------

A sound body is an answer to a sound mind.  Therefore, just like Michelangelo, I am here to sculpt my body for the next 2 years.

How do I do it?

Through diet and exercise.  I eat OMAD LCHF and I exercise AHAD and OMEH. 

This way I scale down to what really matters; a sound mind.

---------------------------------------------

I want to focus on the vital few.

As it is, I will focus on weight reduction.  I need to hit 83 kg at worst by 12/4/21.

mm

>>>#31/3/21 I was crazy because I cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined

 To me everything is real.  That is the root cause of my delusions.  If I can solve this issue, I am on my road to recovery.

I need to stop having false beliefs.

As the first step, I got to stop believing in the afterlife. My future outlook stops in 2041 when I am 77.

I am not responsible for any vision beyond 2041.  I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

Until then 2041 is my crossing line.

Even Sailbad the Sinner is meant to sail until 2041.

I had decided to go on a 20 years voyage.  Along the way, I will complete 4 years of 2 Half Marathons; 2024, 2029, 2034, and 2041.  No frills, no spectators, no fancy charades; just me and the road.

Therefore besides losing 40 kg, fasting for 21 days, running 10 km, and running 21 km; my goal for this year is to cut off from Els.

Avril is singing Complicated on the radio.  That's right Avril, I need to make things simple, not simpler.

I have to call a spade a spade.  Els is nonreciprocating.  Not only that, I HATE this current Evening Drive     lineup with Auto in the picture.

--------------------------------------------

OK, enough of the long-term planning.  Now is for the short-term goals.  Basically, I still have a chance to cut 5 kg by 12/4/21.

I can talk about it or I can do something about it.

I need to get rid of this deadman's curse from my mind.

I also need to get rid of Els.  That is ONE MAJOR DELUSION.

mm

  

>>>#30/3/21 I was derailed again.

 I am slacking when comes to waking up.  From there on it is a Domino's Effect; no mood to exercise and then ate Nasi Lemak.

I have to stop this runaway train.

I was doing fine for 2 months.  I must be patient and persistent.

NO MORE MINDLESS BUYING

My next purchase is the Pak John buffet, then the supplements, then the dental care.  Finally, the 10 kg dumbbell.

Those sex toys are deceiving.

It was a good education but that's about it.

---------------------------------

Just a thought...  I am so glad I no longer addicted to the 3 Cs.  Now I am doing away with fap until 10/7/21.

I have to find ways to become a better person.  Therefore if they say semen retention is good, then I'll give it a shot.  At least I try it and see how it affects my overall wellbeing.

However, according to the medical profession, it is healthy to jerk off.

I should give no fap a try.  At least for 100 days.

Whatever it takes to stabilize my dopamine surge.

---------------------------------------

Enjoy the garden but don't spill the 2 drops of oil in the spoon.

What is the oil in the spoon?  None other tha[t] (than) SWEE:

• Sleep at 9:30 pm
• Wake up at 4:30 am
• Exercise AHAD
• Eat OMAD LCHF

These are the basic requirements.

-------------------------------------------

I think, my communication with Els is causing me to be delusional.

I need to look at ways to improve my mental health.  I had eliminated substances, now is to improve the dopamine fluctuations.

Tonight I calibrate back SWEE.

I have to stay focused.  Otherwise, I will not achieve my two goals to be thin and fast.

While I am on this 100 days NoFap mission, I will make an attempt to cut Els off.  If I can do away with fap, I can certainly do away with limerence.

The 21/90 rule states that it takes 21 days to make a habit and 90 days to make it a permanent lifestyle change. ... Commit to your goal for 21 days and it will become a habit. Commit to your goal for 90 days and it will become a part of your lifestyle.

Els is an addiction.  I got to stop all forms of addiction.  A good alternative is to listen to 24/7 Continuous.

So I think it is a good strategy to stop fapping and [and] at the same time to stop listening to Els. 

This is 2021 and I am still experiencing delusions.  I have to fight this.  There is no reason why I should still contact Els. She is nonreciprocating.  Also, I don't like this new trio arrangement they are having.

Now that 24/7 Continuous is stable, I have very little need for TraXX.

What I hope to achieve with this 100 days NoFap is the stabilization of testosterone and dopamine.

I also hope I can get over Els.  There is no relationship whatsoever.  I have to take it that I need to end the interaction.  I am better off loving myself than loving somebody who is nonreciprocating.

mm

  

>>>#29/3/21 This is my umpteenth time trying to restart my diet and fail

 Is it willpower?  No, I am off-centered.  I started sleeping late.  I need to calibrate my sleep once again.  I was off-centered since I caught the flu on 18/3/21.

Tonight I MUST sleep a[s] (at) 9:30 pm.  I need to get back into the groove.

-------------------------------------------------------

I got to go back to my world of isolation.  Where my only purpose is to be thin and fast.

My aspiration is to run, run and run.

Basically, I drailed this month.  I need to be on track all over again:

• Sleep at 9:30 pm
• Wake up at 4:30 am
• Run at 6:00 am
• Eat OMAD LCHF
• Do One Minute Exercise Every Hour 

I have [] (to) soldier on to achieve my lifelong goals to be thin and fast.  This is my revelation.  Sure there are so many revelations and delusions that I had to deal with, in the end, nothing else matters except to be thin and fast.  That's MY ticket to health and happiness.

So far, there are so many stories.  Either I listen to other people's stories or I live by my story.

mm

 

28/3/21 ***A Date with Destiny

 Dear Darling Els,

I hope you are doing well.   Today is a dark day for me.  My 24 years old nephew was found dead in the janitor's room of Empire Damansara.  He left the house on Thursday and was out of contact the whole day.  The police found his body last night.  He had been dead for 3 days

My brother was in a wreck.  He only has 2 sons and that was his eldest.

As much as we all have a plan, we never know what is waiting for us.  I was shunned by my brother and his wife because of my illness years ago.  It seems that nobody can escape karma.  He was guilty about it but I just let it slide.  This is no time for nit-picking   

I miss you much.  Although I have my challenges with this illness of mine, like anybody else, I just want to love and be loved.  Maybe I am a bit eccentric with my ways but my dear sweetheart, I only have good intentions for you.

Still, I have to admit that although I am not malicious, my judgments got affected by the delusions caused by the illness.

I don't know what else to do but hope you understand that I love you very much and I care for you.  My setback is despite my best effort I cannot be a normal person.  I have a lifelong condition.

The choice is yours.  You can allow *[w]e (me) to love you will all my imperfections or you can end it here and now knowing I am mentally handicapped.

* I saw it when Sarah change this alphabet.  What she is saying is that "we" here mean on behalf of us both.

Love you always.

Sine Cera,

28/3/21

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

49s

@elsDines

Baby, I sent you an email while grieving just now. I scraped the letter 3 times before coming up with the final one. I hope it comes out OK. You take care, honey. Later...

>>>#28/3/21 Mikhail was found dead, suspected OD

 At the same time, I received my Dragon Ring today.

All I can say that everything is karma and everything is the Law of Cause and Effect.

Everything is thought projected.

This brings me to the next point; as far as thought is concerned, we are operating in a zero-sum environment.  You get what you put in.  That is karma.

------------------------------------

I was pretty crazy for the past one month or so.  What was the trigger?  I didn't take any substance.

I think I get pretty excited over Yayasan World on Health and working with Pal.

Or it could be due to the excitement of getting new glasses.

Maybe because I stop taking Lithium.

Or maybe I am a confirmed nutcase. 

Whatever the case may be, the illness won't go away.  Therefore I might as well continue with the medication and hope for the best.

As it is, I am beginning to doubt that my epiphanies were Divine inspired.  Still, the wager is nothing or something.

As it is I still bet on something rather than nothing.

-------------------------------------------

I had a spat with God just now.  Basically, I told him I'm not buying into His storyline anymore.  

I told Him, I'm tired of being crazy.

He told me that being crazy is necessary for me to know him.

Whatever the case may be, he told me to hang on to the afterlife.

If I want to be crazy, I entertain these kinds of thoughts.  Instead, I stop my thoughts to my thinking within my reach; which is until I am 77.

mm

 

27/3/21 ^^^I can always start fresh

 I will keep on persisting until I achieve my goal to be thin and fast.

As for Els, she makes me happy.  So I hang on to her.

I want to enjoy being a loner.

It's true that currently, I fancy Els.  However, when I look at what I am having right now, I'm glad I don't have any intimate relationship outside of my marriage.

I'm sure Els is a wonderful person but I rather not have any external affair at this point in my life.

Since 2019, my life had been a great blessing.

For the first time ever, I am living a quality life,  For the first time, I sleep at 9:30 pm.

That is good living.

Even now, while waiting for the alarm, I am entertained by Kenney G. That is [is] already living a dream.

----------------------------------------------

I recalled those years I have to stay up late at night, attending to some dickheads at the karaoke lounge.  Shit, I hate my job then.

Sarah, say what you want, this is the life I dreamed of for myself.

I really like it the way it is.

Suppose I am the Chosen One.  Then this is my next 20 years journey.  I am going with the wind.

I don't mind at all.  

My first 20 years was turbulence.  Then 2020 became my best year ever.

mm

27/3/21 ***The wakeup call

 Basically, I should do my best not to be crazy.

Hanging on to Els is actually a crazy action.  I should decide to move on.

If my goals are to be thin and fast, then I should just stick with a sound mind in a sound body.  My problem is I want to have a relationship when in the truest sense I actually want to be alone.

--------------------------------------------------

I should not pursue my relationship with Els any further.  It is not reciprocating.  Furthermore, I am a loner.  I like being by myself doing my own thing.

I was never a social animal.  I'm not crazy, this is the way I'm wired.

I like being on my own, doing my own thing with a friend like Yati on the side.  That constitutes my socializing.

-----------------------------------------------------

This mental illness has to stop.  I believe I can stop it when I stop trying to fit in.

TraXX and Els are actually my attempt to fit in.  Just like Facebook.

Should I decide to be all by myself with only a handful of people to deal with, I will be fine.

mm

27/3/21 I decided to follow my gut feel

 So much for rational thinking.

Like today, I feel down.  So I help myself with some banana fritters

It's the same thing with Els.  If I feel like it, I just write to her.  I don't want to be bounded by too many rules.

For one thing, I don't want anything to do with Pal.  I am not interested to conduct training anymore.

The acid test is very simple.  If I have enough money, will I be conducting training?  Definitely not.

I hate training.  I hate speaking in front of a crowd,

What I'm doing at present is fine.  I love to write.  So I don't mind writing my thoughts away even there is no money involved.

----------------------------------------------------

The central theme is Mens Sana in Corpore Sano. As long as I follow this Path, I should get to my destination.

mm

>>>#27/3/21 I woke up late, I am slightly over weight but hey, I am happy

 So happiness is just a matter of perspective and a state of mind.

My mind is on Els.  She is all I wanted in a girl and yet she is pigeon tame.  Just my luck.

Come to think of it, I will be in deep trouble if she is into me.

Here, I can still do the rape of the mind.

It is always like that.  I am attracted to her because she is playing a hard-to-get game.

All I want is a good fuck.

One of these days I have to go for a fuck.

-------------------------------------

I have to refrain from eating Nasi Lemak today,  I have to withstand hunger.  I have to withstand from fucking too.  

Man, I am feeling ravenous.

I'll take a quick nap.

mm

26/3/21 ***I just flow with the good time

 I actually had lost interest in Els.  I still enjoy her gig though.  However, she is no longer a person I am interested in.

My mind is somewhere else.  I am now keen to be thin and fast.  I also want to establish Mens Sana in Corpore Sano.

The sprints really got me hooked on healthy living.

I tried to follow the OMAD LCHF but boy was I hungry.  So this is the THIRD attempt I try to *[] (do) it in order for me to keep losing weight.

* Yes Sarah, I need to bite the bullet.

Now, I am stuck at 87 kg.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

9s

@elsDines

#traxxfm Baby, the love of my life. I really enjoy your playlist today.

As it is, I am a man with a mission.

THIN AND FAST.

That took a backseat these past few days.

I have to make the decision tonight that from tomorrow onwards it is strictly OMAD LCHF.

mm

26/3/21 ###Totally relaxed today

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

13s

@elsDines

@Khartik_G

#traxxfm iMoney interviewed me on how to reach Financial Independence and Retire Early (FIRE) https://imoney.my/articles/financial-independence-retire-early-interviews… This is the second time for me.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

56s

@elsDines

#traxxfm With these new kettlebell core exercises, I feel my posture is improving. When I was in the MRT just now, I sit erect on both ways of the trips. However I was ravenous, I can't hold on to my OMAD LCHF. How do I manage this?

-----------------------------------------------------

I am just doing rape of the mind.

In the end, I just get what I want.  So who cares?

Of course, eventually, this will stop.  However until the time comes, I just stretch my battle of the eyeballs a little bit further.

Honey, I had been thinking.  It is pointless to resolve craziness.  It is a self-imposed condition.  Instead, I focus on a sound mind and a sound body.  It still self-imposed but it is paraplegic 

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

16s

@elsDines

#traxxfm It is always exhilarating to listen to your playlist. I'm just having a good time baby...

mm