14/3/21 ###I just mind my own business

 If I just mind my own business, I can be whoever I want to be.

There are only two things I need to do;

1. Keep writing in the blog
2. Continue listening to Els

Along the way, I enjoy the company of Psalms 9:9

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I think I stop writing to Els.  I just listen to her.

As it is, I  am a person affected by mental illness,  Nothing is real.

Therefore, it is pointless for [b]e (me) to think beyond death.  Death is either the end or a new beginning altogether.

Therefore, I need a strategy for me to keep on living for the next 20 years if that is the finish li[k]e (line) for me.

1. Well for one thing, if 24/7 Continuous can go on uninterrupted, I stick with this station.
2. On the time I listen to other station is when I then to Els
3. On second thought, I write to Els whenever I feel like it
4. Other than that I filter all forms of news.  I live in isolation
5. The more microscopic my world the better for me to pierce the pinhole of Mishin No Shin
6. While I am in CCC I communicate with Psalms 9:9

I write whatever I feel like writing.  That is my survival mechanism.

The real delight is really to keep away from the masses and truly become an independent thinker.

I have to admit that Els is instrumental to my well-being.

My darling Els,

I have to admit that you are a very important factor in determining my positive outlook in life.  Without your understanding, I will be lost amidst the uncertainty of dealing with this insidious illness.

You cannot imagine how delightful it is for me to have somebody to write to.  Without you, my world will take a different turn.  If you notice, my illness cannot be simply solved by popping a few pills.  The medication can only taper the symptom.  It does not eradicate it.  So here I am living i[s] (in) a world not many people understand and willing to appreciate.  Let me tell you something, on my own I consider my behavior as normal.  It is when society starts to pass judgment that I am seen as crazy.  Therefore I am better off being alone.

The illness is not that bad really.  This is so true in my case because I am skewed toward mania.  As I told you, my issue is I cannot control the dopamine surge, not the dopamine void.  So at times, I am overly happy.  That is my issue.  I can't control my excitement.  It's not about dealing with depression or about being out of control.

It's the dopamine baby.  So you can imagine when I am in love.  The feeling is accentuated many times more.  So when I say I am in love with you, my feeling is magnified many times over compared to a typical person who is having the same feeling.  I can't help it.  It's the dopamine surge!

All I want to do is love you.  The feeling is like an overflowing reservoir and I got to channel the water out.  Otherwise, it will burst the banks.  As I told you, I don't want a fling or an affair.  I want a soulmate that I can love for eternity.  When I marry you, it is for the rest of my life.  To me, marriage between soulmates need not mean sex.  What counts is secure attachment.  I can for example feel very secure with you without having to affirm the relationship continuously because I believe you understand the concept

Is this for real?  It is as real as we want to make it.  I always love you from the very first day.  You want to know how real it is?  It is so real that I FINALLY managed to quit my four decades of vices.

Because of that I now sleep at 9.30 pm most nights and wake up at 4.30 am ready to run at 6:00 am.  I become a better person because I am in love with you.  I finally got someone to park my feelings to.  I am now at peace.  As I mentioned before, you are my remedy.  Love is the answer.  Once I found the remedy, I start to flourish again.

Now honey, the love of my life.  Should you feel I am intruding into your life without your consent, do let me know.  Otherwise, I will keep on writing because this whole exercise is therapeutic for me.  As I write I see my own reflection.  I try to make [] (a) point of seeing myself from your perspective.  For one thing, I don't want to sound like a crazy guy LOL.

OK honey, I'll catch up with you.  Later...

Love you always.

Sine Cera,

SJ

14/3/21 

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

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1m

@elsDines

This is one of those *[k]nights (nights) that *[] (I) stay up and reflect upon my life. I was thinking about you most of the time. So I end up writing you an email. I love you baby, with all my heart. * Thanks for the kind gesture, Sarah. You are really my angel.